METHOD 1. HOW TO KNOW HE IS CHEATING
Cheating may be a deal-breaker in your relationship, or it may not, depending on the circumstances. There are lots of different factors to consider, and emotions at stake. Follow these steps to help decide how to go forward
1. Investigate. Play detective, and notice his suspicious mannerisms. Ask yourself the following:
Has he been less intimate with you? If you notice sex become less frequent, he might be getting something on the side.
*Has he been dressing to impress? Men do this when they’re first interested in someone, but when things get serious, they tend to slack on their appearance. If he suddenly starts working out or takes an unusual interest in his looks, he’s looking good for someone else.
*Is he “working late” more frequently? If “working late” becomes more regular, or if he’s spending nights away “on business,” he’s probably seeing someone else. Unless he’s been overwhelmed with work, in which case he probably tells you all about specific things he’s stressed about.
If he’s vague about his late nights and business trips, and doesn’t tell you very much about them, there’s a solid chance he’s seeing someone else.
*Does he check his phone a lot, and is he secretive about it? Some men are simply more private than others, but if he becomes defensive when you ask him who he’s corresponding with, he’s hiding something.
*Has he become protective of his personal accounts? More so than usual? If he suddenly installs a password on his cell phone or computer, or starts intercepting the mail to open bank statements in private, he is likely having an affair.
*Has he been withdrawn and distant from you lately? If he’s behaving anxious around you, there’s a chance he’s having an affair. But remember, men can be distant for many reasons, so don’t go jumping to conclusions. But if he is being unfaithful, he will most likely be nervous, whether it be out of guilt or paranoia.
*Has he been snide to you in front of company? He may try to justify their infidelity by convincing himself you’re the bad guy.
**Has he been mentioning a female acquaintance or colleague a lot more lately? This may mean he has a crush, whether he knows it or not. The good news is, if he still mentions her to you, he may not have acted on those feelings yet, since they’re still tantalizing him. If he did the deed already, he’d probably never mention her again.
Ask the woman that he’s having an affair with, if you know or suspect who she is. Most women will sympathize and tell the truth. Oftentimes, this is exactly what she wants—for you to know. She may want you to leave him, so she can have your man all to herself. Many women are offended to be somebody’s secret, or second choice.
3. Ask him. He may not answer honestly, but you can still infer by his reaction whether he is hiding something.
If he reacts defensively or nervously, and fervently denies all accusations, he's hiding something.
If he "doesn’t dignify your question with an answer," it’s usually because he doesn’t want to lie to you, but he really doesn’t want to tell the truth. If instead of answering, he asks, “How could you think that? Don’t you trust me?” he’s probably just avoiding your question.
If he comes clean, it is for one of two reasons. Either he is telling you because A) he wants to leave you, or B) the guilt of the affair is killing him. If he breaks down and cries, or keeps his head down when he tells you, it’s because he’s ashamed and he regrets his actions. Ask him what his intentions are in telling you, whether he wants to work things out with you or not.
METHOD 2. How to confront him
Prepare yourself for every possibility beforehand. “Cheating” isn’t always black and white. Depending on how many times he’s cheated on you, how long he’s been unfaithful, how invested he is in his affair(s) and how many women he’s been with, you may be able to salvage your relationship.
- If he’s exclusive to one mistress and he sees her frequently, and buys her things, and does romantic things with her, this means he’s in love with her and your relationship is over.
- If he’s slipped up several times, but always with different women who he cares nothing about and hasn’t kept in touch with, he may be fixable, because this means you still give him something other women don’t, if you’re the only one he’s with repeatedly. But you will have to make a change if you want him to change his ways, or it won’t work, and he’ll fall back into old habits.
- If he only cheated once, and it was out of character, and he sincerely, utterly regrets it, he deserves a second chance.
2Decide what you consider a deal-breaker. Where will you draw the line? When you find out how seriously he’s been cheating, at what point will you be through with him? How willing are you to forgive him and move on?
3Realize that you may be partly to blame. Obviously, his actions are inexcusable, but they may be the result of something deeper, and you may be part of it. Ask yourself if you’ve been driving him away. Maybe you’ve been snapping at him, putting too much pressure on the relationship, getting serious too quickly, or not getting serious enough. It could be any number of things, but you may not be satisfying all his needs, and if you want to work things out, there may be aspects of yourself you have to change.
4Confront him calmly. If you approach him angrily, he will immediately be on the defensive, and he won’t be rational or honest with you.
- Be as understanding as possible. Let him be heard. Listening to him may relieve some of the tension that led him to betray you in the first place.
5Ask him specifically how much he cheated.
- How many times?
- How many women?
- How frequently?
- How long has it been going on?
- Has he cheated in past relationships?
- How serious is he about these women/this woman?
6Ask him what his intentions are with you. Does he want to stay with you? Or was cheating his easy way out of this relationship? Is he in love with someone else?
7Decide if you are willing to work through this, or if you're through. Should you stay or should you go?
- If in your heart, you can't fully forgive him, and you don't think you'll be happy if you stay with him, it isn't worth your misery to try to work through it, no matter how much you wish you could.
- If you believe in him and trust him to stay faithful from hereon, you should give him a second chance.
METHOD 4. WHAT DRIVES MEN TO CHEAT.